Sunday, August 02, 2015

How I Became an Addict


I believe it started when my parents separated. Being such a daddy’s girl back then, it really shook me up when he wasn’t in my life as much. My mom moved me and my brother five hours away and I felt like my whole world came crashing down. Angry at my mom I started rebelling for the first time. I was around 11 when I started not listening to anyone and getting angry easily. No one saw the pain. I was just a spoiled brat with a mother who wasn’t disciplining me enough, which didn’t help because I actually felt the opposite of spoiled. I just had my dad, aka my whole world, taken from me. Seriously I use to follow my dad everywhere. He was the person I admired the most. People kept telling my mom she needed to be stricter with me but it honestly didn’t matter what she did I wasn’t listening. She could ground me or whatever but unless she was ready to physically fight me I wasn't listening. I didn’t do anything to crazy besides stay out late, skip class, smoke cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people, especially boys.

I missed my dad and wanted to live with him so when he asked me to move there I drove my mom crazy until she finally agreed to let me go. I realize now that my dad being really hurt by the separation ended up putting me in a difficult situation. He made me feel like I needed to take care of him and that his happiness was my responsibility. I was only 11 when I was left home alone for days at a time. My dad was a truck driver and was gone a lot. Alone in a big city, I had to do the groceries, clean, make supper, pack my lunch, do my homework, get to school and not tell anyone about it because if I did they would take me away from my dad. The burden I had to bare then still affects me now.

Recovering Addict Quote
My dad wasn’t just using coke but was also selling in bulk. At 12 I was old enough to get suspicious and when I asked my dad what he was hiding he was honest with me. He believed keeping my trust was more important than keeping his secret. Whether he was right or wrong for telling me is debatable. When he told me he brought me downstairs and that’s when I saw coke for the first time. At 12 years old I saw over a kilo of coke on our kitchen table. He asked me to sit down and help count the money and cut bags up for him. Not the typical childhood I know but it was our secret and he made me feel like I was a responsible adult. It was hard sometimes not to spill to my best friend at our sleepover parties but I was so scared I’d be taken away from my dad that I didn’t say a word to anyone.

Just before I turned 13 my dad started dating an escort and we barely got to spend time together anymore. I was alone all week and on the weekends she would be there and he would tell me to go play with her kids. I wasn’t a priority anymore. She started smoking weed with me and her oldest daughter. My dad didn’t smoke week but he didn’t seem to mind. She ended up leaving me in a bad part of town when she had a fight with my dad. It was a terrifying experience, I was lost and barely made it back home. My dad promised me it was over between them but when he started seeing her again I felt so betrayed that I decided to move back to my moms. I had a friend there whose brother was prescribed Percocet and he would give us handfuls for free. This was back before anyone knew what the pills were. Thankfully, I ended up moving to my dad’s before I was too physically dependent on them.

addiction quoteOnce at my dad’s, I was smoking weed and started doing ecstasy until my dad eventually offered me some coke for the first time at 14. I wanted so bad to spend more time with him that doing coke together was great way for me to do that. After that my stepmom would give me coke while my dad was at work because she wanted me to be quiet about her using or hanging out with some guy. The partying became too much that I decided to move back to my mom’s at 15. She got me my own place and I tried to get my shit together. I got a job and was working on getting my high school diploma but accustomed to that lifestyle I found myself dating a dealer. He quickly moved in with me and the large amounts of coke we did every day had me severely addicted. By 16 I was a full-blown coke addict.

We eventually started doing Oxys to relax and sleep after a coke binge but I wasn’t exactly addicted yet. Once my dad got me a connection to start selling the pills I did so much of them that my body really couldn’t go without them. By the time I turned 17 I was addicted to oxys. I had no idea what I was in for. I knew nothing of addiction or the negative effects of drugs. I was taught drugs were great but when I eventually accumulated debt, and my selling career was over I realized how much I needed it. My body cried out for more. The aches and pains took over any control I had over my mind. I soon realized my body needed the oxy and my mind wanted the coke. Once I was high on coke, nothing else mattered. But once the high went away, my body screamed for an oxy.

Here are the 4 things I learned in Recovery


Yours truly,
Charmed

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6 comments:

  1. Hi, was reading your blogs today, have no ide really w to say, glad you shear your story not that easy but important to do.
    Myself have not done drugs but my mom have, was adopted young, saved me I think.
    Big thanks for your blog, Tony

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    1. Thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts. My childhood was difficult at times but it was also a lot of fun. Im glad for what it taught me. My parents could of been worst, I know many people who had worst. Ive learned to accept them as they are and love them unconditionally regardless of thefe struggles. Im glad to hear you had a successful adoption. Hope to see you in the comment section again. Take care

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  2. Hi Chelsie,
    Powerful stuff - I see how the whole drug scene can dominate a family to the point that the drugs and the process is way more important than any family bonds. I suffered for it and now, being clean for years and being able to enjoy a good distance between myself and my family who still dance around the drug issue - means I can actually get my life on track. Stick with it you have really authentic voice in your writing.
    Thanks,
    bren

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    1. Thank you so much, the practice over the 3 years I've been blogging have definitely helped me find my voice but I need to make more time for editing my work. Every time I go over it I find more spelling mistakes or complicated sentences. The editing part is a pain. I wish I had a good program to help me with that. I wish I had more time to write but with the baby it's not always easy. So many of my hobbies have been put on hold since having a baby. Thanks for sharing your family addiction experience with me.
      Its always a pleasure to have you on my blog. Take Care.

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  3. Hello, Chelsea. Thank you for sharing your story, and for making your voice heard by telling us your recovery journey. What you went through as child is really difficult and tough, but the way you are handling your life now is inspiring, and it shows that it is possible for people to change. It’s great for you to have that kind of courage, and I salute you for it.


    Natalie Lamb @ Good Life Therapy

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    Replies
    1. Your support is encouraging. Thank you. I've changed a lot since those days and Im proud of it. I'm grateful for what its taught me. I'm more aware of myself and my surroundings because of everything I've went through. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I really hope to hear from you again. Take Care.

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